Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
my poor anus
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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