so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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