It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
