My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
