he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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