Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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