you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
