Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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