I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
