my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
