god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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