Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
