She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
