i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
