I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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