she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
