Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
