I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
