is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she told me i tasted like america
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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