There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
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SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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