I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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