I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
