my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
