I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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