My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
