I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
