i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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