I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
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she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
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I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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