So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
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When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
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you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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