He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
