i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
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She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
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Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize