Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
