I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
