Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
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I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
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My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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