Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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