Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
