Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
fuck your aforementioned shoe
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
