Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
