I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
As shirtless as possible
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
