I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
