Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
