I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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