Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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