Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
