dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I am available for nakedness