who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Let's get the cat blown out
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
