I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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