Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
