OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
