wrigley field is MILF paradise
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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