Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
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The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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