peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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