I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
