i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
